“All of my purple life, I’ve been looking for a dame…

..That would want to be my wife…that was my intention, babe.”-Prince, Erotic City

Happy Valentines eve! Or more excitingly put, Happy Mistress Day! Feb 13th is unofficially the day straying men often choose to dote on the "other" women in their lives and I would like to raise my glass to this controversial holiday. The dynamics of men (and women) with on-the-side situations have always fascinated me, and now these taboo relations are getting nationally recognized…not because they deserve it per se, but for the frequency and indiscretion of affairs these days. I can feel all you ladies rolling your eyes right now, "What a home-wrecker!" Easy kitties, I have never, nor would I ever be involved with a man in a relationship or marriage…I have this pesky little thing called a conscious and this little fairy on my shoulder typically limits me from 99% of the guys in America since I am probably friends with or linked somehow, to an ex or current girlfriend. Dang. Anyways, back to Valentines Day and whether or not you'd rather be the 13th girl or the VDAY one. After much thought (7 minutes), I can say with confidence I'll take both...not because I could ever morally be the "other “woman..But sometimes I'd rather be. Think about it, what is more exciting...a wild love affair with minimal strings attached, little obligation and incredible sex..OR, aprons, honey-do lists and eventually couples therapy from intense complacency and boredom? I’m not saying every marriage or committed relationship is boring (to you), but with the heaviness of it all I’m more attracted to a Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be way of life. As a girl raised in the south, I’m no stranger to “the plan”..married by 28, all the kids birthed and burped by 33…I have always thought, “Shit, you have a plan? I’m lucky to get dressed everyday..” and I’ve been in relationships, but they all have one thing in common..they are fun, not serious and not thought out. They also don’t always work out...but at the end of the day, you had a blast and in time end up friends. ..but I digress..The “other” woman fulfills fantasies and voids these attached men are not getting at home…(Madonna-Whore complex should be flashing through your head right about now) However, there’s a reason the floosies are never brought home to mama- Let’s do some comparing: (Keep in mind I’m only concentrating on men for the fact that woman do not typically ask out men on VDay..and that’s the topic..I think? I wish I could take adderall)

Ho-Can party til’ her panties drop (if she had any on), wake up in the morning and take a warm shot of gin and do it all over..again..again..and again.

Homely-rarely gets out, even on the weekends..and if she does it’s only because you have a “guys night” and she’ll pout her way to girlfriends house to watch Bachelor re-runs over..again..agian..and again.

Ho-A walking adrenaline rush..loves sex, loves high-heels, mini skirts and push-up bras..most of her clothes scream “Shitty childhood”…she doesn’t apologize for herself and is often a serial flirter and is very matter-of-fact about it.

Homely-Rides on “He loves me no matter what” and hair is pulled back, no makeup, sweats and doesn’t apologize for the fact that she is not interested in anyone else and could care less about getting fixed up when you think she’s amazing...just the way she is. If you’re lucky, you may even get to have predictable by-the-book (and not Kama Sutra) sex once a week.

Ho-Not someone you could ever rely on to be loyal. Will disappear when you’re sick or need a favor. Not anyone you could ever proudly show-off to a family with any values mainly because your mom can smell the scent of “mattress kitten” from a mile away.

Homely-This girl will take you in at any time, nurse you back to health, care about you (sometimes even more than herself), and she’s someone you could see being the mother of your children. You can smell her maternal instinct all the way to Vermont.

Ho-This bisch is EXPENSIVE and likes to be wined and dined and is usually more concerned with your bank account than your middle name. She puts a high price on her vagina and she knows if you don’t pay it some other poor fool will.

Homely-Easier on your finances and often offers to pay, mainly because this is the polite and fair thing to do and she isn’t interested in causing you to go into bankruptcy.

It’s no wonder many men have to have two or sometimes multiple women to get what they feel they need with such a defined contrast between the ho and homely gals…and the pendulum swings both ways, If a woman, no matter HOW stepford she is, had the “perfect” man that did everything under the sun for her and was a human doormat…she would end up bored out of her mind and run away with the pool boy. It’s unfair to get frustrated with men whose attention isn’t held by a golden retriever of a girl, or women for that matter who run away from men who act like lap cats. With that said, it’s hard to hate on “Mistress Day”... we all secretly want to be her (or be on her). Simply put, there are qualities of the Ho that I wish I had the reckless abandon of morale to embody, but in the same breath, I like respect…the kind Aretha Franklin would high-five you for (then again I don’t think anyone would find me desirable or respectable since it’s a Friday night, and while some people are out taking body-shots, I’m in footed pajamas blogging and trying to get my foot behind my head)..So, all credibility out the window, I’ll still ask to have have a Feb 13th with a side of 14th please sir. I’m asking nicely because I’m a homely girl but I’ll tell you I won’t settle for just one because I’m a ho.

“A lifetime of happiness? No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on Earth.” George Bernard

The Eye of the Liger..

Welp...I just made the ballsiest move I am humanly capable of. Ok, that's a tall order, but still one of my most outlandish shenanigans to date. Dumb courage is part of my makeup I suppose. When I was four years old, I went to join my school's pee wee cheerleading squad that had already been chosen a month before. I simply told my parents to pick me up late from school, went to the team practice, and I pitched a screaming fit until they accepted me. I couldn't keep a beat to save my life. Same went for ballet, what a disaster I was..terrible. The class was less than a week away from a recital they had been practicing over two months for, when Deana "dumbass" Williams decided she deserved a spot on the stage. By God I got my way again, didn't catch a single step, and would NOT leave the stage once the performance had ended. My stage! Those examples would set the tone for my entire life, and once again...oh no she didn't.

It was one helluva ride cheering for the Atlanta Falcons, and even a wilder (yet bumpier) journey to actually make the squad. Took me five years to make it, and I got five years out of it. However, I didn't leave on my own terms..so in my head, I had unfinished business. No one is really sure what actually went down last April when my name wasn't called out for the 2009 team. Disclaimer, I am not a very strong dancer..so I made up for it by doing every single charity appearance I could get my hands on. In the years I was with the team, I did a total of almost 500 charity promos and won the "Community Service" award four times. I have jumped out of a cardboard box at a game, driven for free to Jasper GA and such to talk to kids about broccoli and push-ups on numerous occasions and even had a cake slammed in my face in the end zone...and loved every minute of it. So, when I was given the stock answer last year that "my dance scores simply were not "good enough" for the team this season..(after being "good enough" the previous four years) I smelled a fish (Shew!). To say I was pissed would be an understatement, a good way to describe it would be a boyfriend of five years dumping you out of nowhere and leaving you with a bullshit excuse. Some of the good-hearted gals on the team even said how they wished I would re-audition because it really may have been the truth.. that I just had a bad audition last year. I thought about it long and hard, and came to realize that no matter the outcome, I win. I either get a last season on the squad and a proper retirement, or I get answers. Sure, folks would think I was out of my mind..but anyone that actually knows me would get the bigger picture. My gut knew I had been cut before I even walked through that front door Sunday morning, but I did it. I needed to do it to know for a fact that the decision to get rid of me was not based on talent. This year was the perfect storm for me to do this experiment..the team added 8 new spots (in addition to the 10 non-returning member openings) and these 8 ladies would not even have to dance, they will be "Ambassadors" and do promos..so while you may be able to convince me that my kicks are not high enough and my double turn isn't solid enough for the field, there's zero chance you could convince me after winning appearance awards, that I wasn't "good enough" for an appearance team without it being blatantly obvious that there was more to the story. I mustered it all up and walked into prelims last week and knocked the b'Jesus out of that routine..it felt good, even though I knew it was all in vain. Even in my finalist interview with the directors (who I love and adore BTW), it was very obvious this`was going nowhere. Didn't matter, I knew what I was doing..I wanted answers. And on this past Thurs night, I got them. Of course I was cut, and while the new team looks great (honestly the most attractive group they've had in years), it was still very obvious that last years reason for firing me, carried over to this year. However, I couldn't be happier with my decision to go for it, I can now sleep at night knowing for a fact, that it wasn't that I wasn't "good enough," it was that someone had it out for me. And I realize every girl's situation is different, and I'm positive my "colorful" personality probably had something to do with it (I mean well, but I'm not perfect..and this mouth has been known to offend), but for ladies who have been on the team for several years and been cut and given a grey excuse..wondering if it's the truth and not having the capacity to make an ass out of themselves and challenge the system..crazy ass Nikky Williams went back, and was still cut. While I'll always wish someone would have had the respect to be honest with me, I know that's not always possible. And as wonky as it sounds, I am completely at peace with the whole situation, which is a relaxing change from the bitter and confused funk I had been in the past year. I like to lay it to rest now with- my big personality got me on the team, and that same personality got me kicked off. On an even brighter note- Good luck to the new squad, you all look amazing and are going to have the time of your lives..and my unsolicited advice is as follows: Do not try to do every single appearance to overcompensate for your shortcomings (when you are everywhere, you are around everyone, and the cardinal rule is that everyone will not like you...sorry sugar), and you ARE "good enough"..plain and simple. As for me, there's always next year! (jokes;)

"Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That's what little girls are made of; the hell with sugar and spice." - Unknown

**Photo credit shout out high-fives go to Tom Johnson (TJ-aka Falcons Cheerleader photoKING) and Jon Stennis (aka Stennis, Jon)**

Hold On Loosely, but don't let go

If you cling too tight babe, you're gonna loose control.




Gosh I've been gone for awhile, how are things? Anyways..you gotta love couples. And by love, I mean I don't like any of them (aside from my trust-tree friends, and even those few are not exempt from today's rant). What a selection process we all go through to find someone we adore, such a specific equation..it all has to come together and if and when it does..awesome. With that said, why on Earth..after all the dots connect, do significant others bow up at potential "intruders?" Why the jealousy? Most folks don't choose who they'd like to be with based on the concept, this will be mine and no one else will ever want it but me. And if you did go that route, good for you for being into fuglies. Is it not a huge compliment to have someone hit on your other half? I get it can be a little annoying, but why not have fun with it? Offer to get the two of them a drink, play it like you're his pesky sister..have fun with them, if that person is out hitting on folks they are obviously looking for a good time..give it to em. Personally, I get off on it. If he wants the girl hitting on him, he can have her..and onward. Guys, you are bad at this too. A man hits on your "woman" and then there's a fight..I'll admit, a tiny bit of animosity is cute-ish..but the barbaric, turkey leg, loin cloth shit is overrated, and makes you look like a moron. If you have a good-looking mate, chances are..people will hit on them (and it sure beats the alternative). I feel you now "Well I've been cheated on and it hurts.." blah blah haven't we all, but at the end of the day..why in the world would anyone want to be with someone who wants someone else? They did you a favor. Acting like a control freak is sure to keep anyone around..and loyal. I get also if you are an insecure-natured person, but isn't the ultimate form of security being with someone you know wants you too? Just a thought. In other news, my ex once kissed another girl in front of me (a 300lb bridesmaid) as a joke..I did NOT think it was funny. However, because I never showed jealousy towards other women, he thought I wouldn't think it was a big deal. So probably don't even listen to me. He did however, do me a huge favor.

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife, so from my personal point of view,get an ugly girl to marry you."-Jimmy Soul

"Money for Nothin."

Bumper stickers. Yea, we did this thing at my elementary school where pretty much every kid at some point was "Student of the week" and you got a sweet bumper sticker for your parents to sport. When it was my week (approx 2 weeks left in 5th grade, saved the best for last I guess) I thought it was really rude that my folks didn't jump all over it..after all it was beautiful, had "My child is student of the week" in Times new Roman and didn't match any of their cars. Either way, people in general (not just dyslexic lisp-stricken bucked tooth kids named Nikky), like to be rewarded for things and display said major awards...even if you've done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Take this dip shit for instance (pictured)..you want to be rewarded for what every other female mammal has been doing for centuries? Congratulations. Then there's this whole "scoreless league" nonsense, where children play competitive sports and don't actually keep score, for fear of hurting any child's feelings. Parents are afraid of their children being crushed and humiliated, apparently instead they need to be patted on the back for not winning or losing..(don't pat too hard there mom, might break that weak spine that your poor kid will never develop). Let's be honest, the real fear is in the parents not winning, not the kids. Speaking of pats on the back, I really loved during Obama's campaign all the interviews with the "common folk," All too often, it went a little something like this "He's a good man, he takes care of his kids, never been to jail, loves his wife, goes to church, pays his bills, is a family man..." Am I on glue, or aren't you supposed to take care of your kids? You're NOT supposed to go to jail and when you're married of course you love your wife and how ridiculous are these Americans to give credit for such simple fundamentals? My guilty pleasure (besides hot sauce) is getting on facebook and surfing newsfeeds..I am constantly intrigued with the people that are all "Oh I'm cooking a rhubarb pie or hey I'm headed to the gym and yep helping kiddos with the homework.." These are everyday things everyone does that do not require the "Like" or "Comment" button. (Ok, that was a little harsh to all my mommy friends, I love you:). Let's don't even get groovin on pet owners and their displays of pride (I currently reside in a snow globe, one side is the family dog, the other is me) and the bumper stickers that say "My labradoodle is smarter than your honor student." You know who you are..and you've officially lost it.
When I was young it was all so simple, don't lie, cheat, steal, pee your pants or sing on the lunch tables. If I broke any of those rules, I had to pick my own switch. I never recall any "I didn't lie today" or "I didn't pick-pocket anyone" praises. No sir, the only award I was in it for was the "Student of the Week."


"At some point, the pride has to be a part of the whole day-to-day oeuvre. It's part of who you are and doesn't need to be discussed anymore." -Sandra Bernhard

Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side...

Hey there, hope your new year is treating you real fine. I'm sure everyone is rockin on their resolutions being that it's been a week, The treadmills are smoking, the smoking is stopping, the drinking is rampant and you ate less pie at dinner. I have the same resolution every year, to curse less and talk less. The two go hand in hand, but I never get anywhere with it..sorry to whatever higher matrix actually holds us to these unrealistic goals (my God knows better). I actually got an amazing compliment recently when a friend told me I inspired her new year's resolution. Naturally I said, "Yes! absolutely you should get hair extensions." However she had something else in mind..and up until that point I had no idea this was something I did. She said "I want to meet people that I would normally assume were freak shows, and actually get to know them." Ok, first off I don't know any "freak shows" but It makes sense in that I do associate with an eclectic mix of people, I don't draw barriers to my social interactions. I have met people from all walks of life, and some of these random conversations led to years of staying in touch. Perhaps I'm a collector of people, (not "I'm making a jumpsuit of your skin" type as much as "I want to know what makes you tick"). Some of my charms actually get second and third looks..a man once followed me to the restroom and asked If I wanted him to help me get away from that "creepy guy," to which I responded "That 'creepy' guy is actually my dear friend and with all do respect, I think following women to the restroom is far more creepy, thanks." It's impossible to not judge people, but it's easy to remain objective. I think in order to be well-rounded and centered, you need to know people...and it takes all kinds. How do you know what you like if you don't check it all out? While I do know people who are filthy rich, I know that I so much more enjoy broke folks...when you don't have money as a solution to everything, you're forced to be creative. I have a slew of vanilla "I will tell you what you want to hear and only that" friends, but I much more respect the ones that aren't afraid to piss me off (WARNING: BAD idea unless it's warranted...and even then, can be very dangerous. I suggest also being great at making people laugh, or you'll likely be killed (I think that's an Oscar Wilde quote-ish?). I had an acquaintance once tell me (in reference to a confrontation I had) "If you don't get your hands dirty, then you will never have to deal with repercussions." This was the mantra for his life, passive aggressive and always pleading the fifth, a politician if you will. A lovely boy with no enemies and I couldn't disagree more. There are people out there that totally despise me for my "I'll go in for the kill if I think it's the right thing to do" persona..however it's these same people that wish they had me around when they were too spineless to defend themselves. It's not that I enjoy war, I just appreciate those that stick their neck out, even if it makes them look foolish. One of my favorite quotes is "If you fear making anyone mad, then you ultimately probe for the lowest common denominator of human achievement." -Jimmy Carter. But seriously what is everyone so afraid of? Experiment. Go places you wouldn't normally go, get to know people who make you uncomfortable..challenge yourself to figure out why that is, meet your local bartender, get in healthy banter with someone over something you're passionate about, force yourself to hold the opposite opinion or see the world through your enemy's eyes, listen to the people around you..pay attention to even the most banal encounters, call the Al Sharpton show twice a week (Ok, maybe don't do that, then I will be jealous if you get on..that bastard constantly shews me away), and Yes! absolutely you should get hair extensions. In closing, I'll address a question I got over the holidays (from a person I met at "Mullet Toss" a few years back ((where most go to meet lifelong friends)), which was "You are so random and I can't figure out why people like you?!" the answer to that is one of three things, 1-They don't 2-They don't but I have really attractive friends and 3-Maybe I am that person that someone went out on a limb to get to know..maybe I piss them off or make them uncomfortable..and having me around enables them to say "I hang with an eclectic mix of people, have you met my zany, ridiculous and unconventional friend, Nikky?"

"I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects." -Oscar Wilde

Merry Christmas... from the family

Yea. So the Holidays. I just finished my sixth and final family celebration, (I feel your brain moving, "Oh girl..I KNOW...Ive got this crazy relative..." or "OMG my uncle is so trashy...") Alas, this is the time to shush and accept that you will not trump my family's dysfunction, nor would you want to. Just take it..take it all.
We'll start with my Nana, poor thing just lost her husband of 70 years and to top it off, has Alzheimers. My aunt, who typically puts up with her 36 year-old son, Cash, who has a coke-fried brain, has been living at home for fifteen years, works at a strip joint and among his many other attributes, suffers from turrets..decided to bring Nana home with the two of them. My Aunt decided to entertain some folks at her place, and in the middle of the extravaganza, a SWAT team rushed her home. Yes way. Apparently, Cash money heard a helicopter overhead paired with sirens, and escaped out the back window for fear that the authorities were "after" him. (For God knows what...but another arrest would definitely hurt his new business venture, door-to-door insurance sales...huge untapped market ((he hopes to gain peoples trust by simply handing potential clients his social security number)). As it turns out, the cops were actually after a robbery suspect, and were prompted to their residence when an unidentified man crawled out of a window and took off running...way to keep your cool, Cash. Needless to say, Auntie needed some scotch (or twelve) and proceeded to get smashed at the dinner table, telling it "like it is" and making the extended family members (not on scotch) think (or realize) we are space aliens. However, the woman does deserve a cape for what she puts up with. And Nana, even in her forgetfulness, does somehow remember that I am single now..i.e. DEAD if I don't breed immediately, so she took Christmas as the perfect opportunity to try and set me up with my 29 year-old cousin...Incest aside, I really just don't think he was that into me. However, there is my other cousin that dabbles in gay porn..those two may be a better fit. Meanwhile, on the other side of the family..a storm was-a-brewing. My mother throws fancy holiday parties, despite the fact that no one in her family appreciates it. My grandma Gracie decided she'd pour Sprite into the Merlot, my twice-removed aunt tried to steal the ham, my cousin fell down the stairs, named his new son Stanley Kubrick, and to top it off this years gift exchange only consisted of beer and liquor...but I digress. The real star here is my cousin, Crystal (who's mother sells blown-glass dragons, we have several entrepreneurs) carts around six kids..one of which is a new addition (not by birth, but by a drop off by a random woman who claimed Crystal's husband, Rodney was the father), happily decided to bring all the kids up to the party...that is until she got in an argument with two of her teenage girls. Big mistake..one of the kids called DE FAX and went to stay at the father's house (former Jesus impersonator), and to get revenge, Crystal then called DE FAX on the father harboring the girls...it was an all-out DE FAX war. What...an extravaganza. At least my other cousin brought pot (medicinal of course). Uncle Ron loves pot almost as much as he loves his cherry red Miata covered in Tasmanian devil decals. He loves that car so much that he actually went to court (Judge Joe Brown) to defend his ownership. In conclusion, today marked the end of the effing jackassery that is my family during Christmas..and it ended with me having to meet the woman my stepbrother has been sleeping with behind his wife's back for the past year. And the beat goes on...pa rum pa pum pum. Love thy lineage.

"When that doctor asked me son how did you get in this condition? I said hey sawbones I'm just carryin on an old family tradition."-Hank Williams Jr (Duh)

I haven't wasted enough of your time? Heart the Jesco http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZX0F1fGEfKA

Ayo..

Hi. So, I watched the local news this morning, which is sometimes more entertaining than a COPS marathon (or at least in Atlanta it is), and it got me to thinking..if it's not setup that reporters interview only toothless, socially and grammatically-challenged morons (and I can attest that it's not, my stepmother works at FOX News...having to scroll subtitles on someone who is actually speaking English is unnecessary extra work), then when did the wheels fall off the wagon with humans and our ability to communicate? Didn't we all go to grammar school? Four score and seven years ago, it was called "Grammar School" because you were actually taught to properly speak several languages. We can't even get English right in 2009...and it's no wonder. Every day this world becomes more tech savvy (pick up a Sky Mall magazine), who even "talks" on the phone anymore? My poor parents had to learn how to text just to stay in touch with me..and what's a land-line? Even when going to the grocery store, you can completely avoid all human interaction with the self-checkout lanes..(which let's be honest, a handful of us actually know how to use these..most folks get a little cocky on the touchscreen and have to have a cashier come over anyways..please place that last item scanned in the bag, please place the last item...please wait for assistance). Anything you can do in person you can do faster on a computer, fill out a few forms and voila..shits handled. The dating world is a complete disaster because of it..no longer do you organically and genuinely meet people, an online questionnaire decides for you who you should go out with based on common interests...but doesn't that take the fun out of getting to know someone? Could you imagine if we all just walked around town passing out applications, and chose who we wanted to meet based on their answers..completely nixing the entire introduction? Like a self checkout lane for friendships and relationships, and just like the ones at the grocery store, I'd be willing to bet at some point we'd call in the cashier for assistance.. because we'd realize our lives lacked variety and spontaneity. It seems like the more we come up with gadgets to speed up life, we're killing the fundamentals and losing our God-given tools to just be people... no more shiny happy people holding hands. I can't wait to see what ends up replacing the airline industry. We're all for freedom and for pleasure, but nothing ever lasts forever...everybody wants to rule the world.


“One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet”-Dave Barry