"Money for Nothin."

Bumper stickers. Yea, we did this thing at my elementary school where pretty much every kid at some point was "Student of the week" and you got a sweet bumper sticker for your parents to sport. When it was my week (approx 2 weeks left in 5th grade, saved the best for last I guess) I thought it was really rude that my folks didn't jump all over it..after all it was beautiful, had "My child is student of the week" in Times new Roman and didn't match any of their cars. Either way, people in general (not just dyslexic lisp-stricken bucked tooth kids named Nikky), like to be rewarded for things and display said major awards...even if you've done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Take this dip shit for instance (pictured)..you want to be rewarded for what every other female mammal has been doing for centuries? Congratulations. Then there's this whole "scoreless league" nonsense, where children play competitive sports and don't actually keep score, for fear of hurting any child's feelings. Parents are afraid of their children being crushed and humiliated, apparently instead they need to be patted on the back for not winning or losing..(don't pat too hard there mom, might break that weak spine that your poor kid will never develop). Let's be honest, the real fear is in the parents not winning, not the kids. Speaking of pats on the back, I really loved during Obama's campaign all the interviews with the "common folk," All too often, it went a little something like this "He's a good man, he takes care of his kids, never been to jail, loves his wife, goes to church, pays his bills, is a family man..." Am I on glue, or aren't you supposed to take care of your kids? You're NOT supposed to go to jail and when you're married of course you love your wife and how ridiculous are these Americans to give credit for such simple fundamentals? My guilty pleasure (besides hot sauce) is getting on facebook and surfing newsfeeds..I am constantly intrigued with the people that are all "Oh I'm cooking a rhubarb pie or hey I'm headed to the gym and yep helping kiddos with the homework.." These are everyday things everyone does that do not require the "Like" or "Comment" button. (Ok, that was a little harsh to all my mommy friends, I love you:). Let's don't even get groovin on pet owners and their displays of pride (I currently reside in a snow globe, one side is the family dog, the other is me) and the bumper stickers that say "My labradoodle is smarter than your honor student." You know who you are..and you've officially lost it.
When I was young it was all so simple, don't lie, cheat, steal, pee your pants or sing on the lunch tables. If I broke any of those rules, I had to pick my own switch. I never recall any "I didn't lie today" or "I didn't pick-pocket anyone" praises. No sir, the only award I was in it for was the "Student of the Week."


"At some point, the pride has to be a part of the whole day-to-day oeuvre. It's part of who you are and doesn't need to be discussed anymore." -Sandra Bernhard

Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side...

Hey there, hope your new year is treating you real fine. I'm sure everyone is rockin on their resolutions being that it's been a week, The treadmills are smoking, the smoking is stopping, the drinking is rampant and you ate less pie at dinner. I have the same resolution every year, to curse less and talk less. The two go hand in hand, but I never get anywhere with it..sorry to whatever higher matrix actually holds us to these unrealistic goals (my God knows better). I actually got an amazing compliment recently when a friend told me I inspired her new year's resolution. Naturally I said, "Yes! absolutely you should get hair extensions." However she had something else in mind..and up until that point I had no idea this was something I did. She said "I want to meet people that I would normally assume were freak shows, and actually get to know them." Ok, first off I don't know any "freak shows" but It makes sense in that I do associate with an eclectic mix of people, I don't draw barriers to my social interactions. I have met people from all walks of life, and some of these random conversations led to years of staying in touch. Perhaps I'm a collector of people, (not "I'm making a jumpsuit of your skin" type as much as "I want to know what makes you tick"). Some of my charms actually get second and third looks..a man once followed me to the restroom and asked If I wanted him to help me get away from that "creepy guy," to which I responded "That 'creepy' guy is actually my dear friend and with all do respect, I think following women to the restroom is far more creepy, thanks." It's impossible to not judge people, but it's easy to remain objective. I think in order to be well-rounded and centered, you need to know people...and it takes all kinds. How do you know what you like if you don't check it all out? While I do know people who are filthy rich, I know that I so much more enjoy broke folks...when you don't have money as a solution to everything, you're forced to be creative. I have a slew of vanilla "I will tell you what you want to hear and only that" friends, but I much more respect the ones that aren't afraid to piss me off (WARNING: BAD idea unless it's warranted...and even then, can be very dangerous. I suggest also being great at making people laugh, or you'll likely be killed (I think that's an Oscar Wilde quote-ish?). I had an acquaintance once tell me (in reference to a confrontation I had) "If you don't get your hands dirty, then you will never have to deal with repercussions." This was the mantra for his life, passive aggressive and always pleading the fifth, a politician if you will. A lovely boy with no enemies and I couldn't disagree more. There are people out there that totally despise me for my "I'll go in for the kill if I think it's the right thing to do" persona..however it's these same people that wish they had me around when they were too spineless to defend themselves. It's not that I enjoy war, I just appreciate those that stick their neck out, even if it makes them look foolish. One of my favorite quotes is "If you fear making anyone mad, then you ultimately probe for the lowest common denominator of human achievement." -Jimmy Carter. But seriously what is everyone so afraid of? Experiment. Go places you wouldn't normally go, get to know people who make you uncomfortable..challenge yourself to figure out why that is, meet your local bartender, get in healthy banter with someone over something you're passionate about, force yourself to hold the opposite opinion or see the world through your enemy's eyes, listen to the people around you..pay attention to even the most banal encounters, call the Al Sharpton show twice a week (Ok, maybe don't do that, then I will be jealous if you get on..that bastard constantly shews me away), and Yes! absolutely you should get hair extensions. In closing, I'll address a question I got over the holidays (from a person I met at "Mullet Toss" a few years back ((where most go to meet lifelong friends)), which was "You are so random and I can't figure out why people like you?!" the answer to that is one of three things, 1-They don't 2-They don't but I have really attractive friends and 3-Maybe I am that person that someone went out on a limb to get to know..maybe I piss them off or make them uncomfortable..and having me around enables them to say "I hang with an eclectic mix of people, have you met my zany, ridiculous and unconventional friend, Nikky?"

"I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects." -Oscar Wilde