Yea. So the Holidays. I just finished my sixth and final family celebration, (I feel your brain moving, "Oh girl..I KNOW...Ive got this crazy relative..." or "OMG my uncle is so trashy...") Alas, this is the time to shush and accept that you will not trump my family's dysfunction, nor would you want to. Just take it..take it all.
We'll start with my Nana, poor thing just lost her husband of 70 years and to top it off, has Alzheimers. My aunt, who typically puts up with her 36 year-old son, Cash, who has a coke-fried brain, has been living at home for fifteen years, works at a strip joint and among his many other attributes, suffers from turrets..decided to bring Nana home with the two of them. My Aunt decided to entertain some folks at her place, and in the middle of the extravaganza, a SWAT team rushed her home. Yes way. Apparently, Cash money heard a helicopter overhead paired with sirens, and escaped out the back window for fear that the authorities were "after" him. (For God knows what...but another arrest would definitely hurt his new business venture, door-to-door insurance sales...huge untapped market ((he hopes to gain peoples trust by simply handing potential clients his social security number)). As it turns out, the cops were actually after a robbery suspect, and were prompted to their residence when an unidentified man crawled out of a window and took off running...way to keep your cool, Cash. Needless to say, Auntie needed some scotch (or twelve) and proceeded to get smashed at the dinner table, telling it "like it is" and making the extended family members (not on scotch) think (or realize) we are space aliens. However, the woman does deserve a cape for what she puts up with. And Nana, even in her forgetfulness, does somehow remember that I am single now..i.e. DEAD if I don't breed immediately, so she took Christmas as the perfect opportunity to try and set me up with my 29 year-old cousin...Incest aside, I really just don't think he was that into me. However, there is my other cousin that dabbles in gay porn..those two may be a better fit. Meanwhile, on the other side of the family..a storm was-a-brewing. My mother throws fancy holiday parties, despite the fact that no one in her family appreciates it. My grandma Gracie decided she'd pour Sprite into the Merlot, my twice-removed aunt tried to steal the ham, my cousin fell down the stairs, named his new son Stanley Kubrick, and to top it off this years gift exchange only consisted of beer and liquor...but I digress. The real star here is my cousin, Crystal (who's mother sells blown-glass dragons, we have several entrepreneurs) carts around six kids..one of which is a new addition (not by birth, but by a drop off by a random woman who claimed Crystal's husband, Rodney was the father), happily decided to bring all the kids up to the party...that is until she got in an argument with two of her teenage girls. Big mistake..one of the kids called DE FAX and went to stay at the father's house (former Jesus impersonator), and to get revenge, Crystal then called DE FAX on the father harboring the girls...it was an all-out DE FAX war. What...an extravaganza. At least my other cousin brought pot (medicinal of course). Uncle Ron loves pot almost as much as he loves his cherry red Miata covered in Tasmanian devil decals. He loves that car so much that he actually went to court (Judge Joe Brown) to defend his ownership. In conclusion, today marked the end of the effing jackassery that is my family during Christmas..and it ended with me having to meet the woman my stepbrother has been sleeping with behind his wife's back for the past year. And the beat goes on...pa rum pa pum pum. Love thy lineage.
"When that doctor asked me son how did you get in this condition? I said hey sawbones I'm just carryin on an old family tradition."-Hank Williams Jr (Duh)
I haven't wasted enough of your time? Heart the Jesco http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZX0F1fGEfKA
